New World, Same Idiots
by ArtikGato
Summary: A parody of kinda epic proportions, including the horrors of Ed learning to cook from Envy, Ed learning to drive from Roy, and the mall OOCness. And some other stuff.
1. Cooking With Envy

**New World, Same Idiots**

**By Artikgato**

**Disclaimer**: Fullmetal Alchemist is not mine. The creator would probably be scared at what I do with the characters.

**Author's Notes**: Anyone who knows me or my writing style could see this coming a mile away. Basically, I've been recently obsessed with Fullmetal Alchemist. What happens when I become obsessed with an anime/manga? One of two things. One, I pick a couple and write soppy romance stories about them. Two, I write insane parody fics about the series. Guess which one I picked?

Now my style of insane crack-fics is a little on the…strange side. Not to mention this story is just chock full of inside jokes. So, let me explain a few things first.

First of all, all the characters have the same personality, powers, bodies, etc. etc. The only real difference is the fact that the setting is slightly more…modern. In other words, there are modern-day cars, modern-day buildings, etc.

Oh, and I should give a little bit of a warning. There is implied Greed/Envy in this fic. It is only because I happen to find the coupling ridiculously hilarious. If I decide to write past chapter three, there MIGHT be implied Roy/Ed, but only because I find that couple ridiculously hilarious as well.

I DO NOT ACTUALLY SUPPORT THESE COUPLES. I just find them funny. I'm making fun of them, not promoting them. So if you're offended by them, you should read anyway. Because I said so.

Oh yes, and beware out-of-characterness. Especially with Envy. It's not that it's difficult to write in-character Envy, it's just so much more fun to have him OOC. Besides, he's such a lunatic that he might actually act like this, to confuse/piss off people. And stuff.

One last note! I'd like to thank my partner in crime, Kat, for helping me with this story. I wouldn't have ever come up with half of this stuff without her. She's also responsible for the implied yaoi, so if you hate it you should track her down and beat her with fish. Or something. So anyway, here's to you, Kat!

**Chapter Notes: **I dressed as Envy at a convention, and was still in character. Kat took on an Ed-like role…because she's short. When it came time for us to cook dinner, this idea popped into my head. Here you go, enjoy!

**CHAPTER ONE: COOKING WITH ENVY**

"ARGH!" came a familiar sounding cry from the kitchen of the random apartment thing that Ed and Al were staying at, courtesy of the military.

"What is it, big brother!" Al exclaimed, rushing into the kitchen, knocking over several shelves, pots, pans, picture frames, and couches on his way.

Ed stood at the refrigerator in the middle of the kitchen, which was gaping wide open. In fact, every cabinet in the kitchen was gaping wide open, and they were all completely devoid of food. The only food in the kitchen was a lone jug sitting in the refrigerator. A white jug.

"The only food in this stinking kitchen...is MILK!" Ed shrieked.

**Meanwhile, at Central**

Roy Mustang cackled evilly, getting not so much bewildered, as "he does this all the time" looks.

**Back with the Elrics**

"What will we do, big brother?" Al asked.

"Well Al, you're fine, 'cuz you can't eat anything," Ed replied. Unnoticed by Ed, Al tromped off to a corner to sulk.

This was unnoticed by Ed because at that point, a certain green-haired homunculus decided to enter the kitchen.

Through the window.

Hey, nobody said Envy wasn't a tad off-kilter!

Anywho, Envy entered the kitchen through the window, grinning somewhat maniacally as he did so.

"Hello my dear younger brother!" Envy called.

"What the hell are YOU doing here! And what's with the 'dear younger brother' crap!" Ed demanded.

"I'm just here to spend a little...quality time with my younger brothers! Is that so bad?" Envy replied. Ed twitched, and muttered something along the lines of "stupid transvestite musta been smoking something".

"Well we don't NEED your 'quality time', you weird green-haired freak!" Ed retorted, only to find that he was being completely and totally ignored as Envy meandered around the kitchen, peering thoughtfully into every open cabinet.

"So Ed, run out of food, did you?" Envy asked.

"No, that stupid Mustang didn't give us any!" Ed snarled, annoyed at being ignored AND talked down to.

"Well then, I've got a solution for that!" Envy sang, and headed for the window. "I'll be back in a few minutes, Chibi-kun!"

"DON'T CALL ME CHIBI!"

**In a Few Minutes...**

Ed's mouth hung open in surprise. He hated to admit it, but Envy WAS good for something. Said homunculus had a literal mountain of food on his back.

"I'm ba-ack!" Envy called.

"Where did you get all of that food?" Ed asked, curious.

**Meanwhile, at Greed's Hangout-ish Place**

"Hey Greed?" Martel called from the kitchen.

"What is it?" Greed asked.

"All the food...is gone..." Martel trailed off.

"WHAT!" Greed demanded, rushing into the kitchen. Indeed, there wasn't a crumb of food in their kitchen, or in their storehouse. The only thing that WAS there was a small piece of paper with green writing on it.

_Dear Greed,_

_I had to borrow some...okay, ALL of your food. For a good cause. It's not like you need to eat, right?_

_With all my hate,_

_The Everso Sexy Envy_

Greed twitched.

"DAMN YOU ENVY!" and with that, he stalked out into the night...or day...to go in search of his evil, sadistic, thieving, though admittedly cute, rival of a Homunculus.

**Back With the Three Elric Brothers...yes, three. Envy was an Elric too, yanno! Gosh!**

"There's one condition, little brother," Envy said.

"What's that?" Ed asked with an eyebrow raised, knowing he would grow to regret the consequences of asking.

"You have to let me teach you how to cook!" Envy exclaimed.

"..." Ed said.

"Worm?" Envy asked.

"You're not trying to poison me, are you?"

WHAM

Envy dropped all the food and smacked his imprudent, though adorable, little brother over the head with a cast iron skillet.

"...ow..."

"Big brother, I heard a clang! What's going...on...?" Al trailed off as he dashed into the room.

"Oh hello, little little brother! I'm just teaching your big brother here how to cook! Or at least, I'm trying to," Envy said, glaring at Ed.

"More like killing me with food poisoning," Ed muttered. Envy glared, but tossed aside the cast iron skillet (to be caught by Al) and busied himself with grabbing random ingredients off of the floor and cooking implements off of the table.

"Cooking really isn't that hard. It's just like alchemy! You can learn too if you want, Alphonse," Envy said.

"Umm...no thanks," Al replied, and attempted to sneak away.

"Oh no you don't! You're not getting out of this one! Besides, once we get your real body back, you'll know how to cook!" Ed said.

"Oh, all right," Al consented with a sigh.

"Okay, for dinner tonight we'll be having...SHRIMP!" Envy announced.

"HEY!" Ed exclaimed.

"Not you, shrimp. THESE shrimp!" Envy exclaimed, holding up a bag of frozen shrimp.

"Stomp calling me short! Stop saying that I'm a tiny little crustacean that can't fend for itself, you!" Ed wailed.

"I...didn't say all that. Right, right, whatever you worm. Let's cook something else then," Envy said, rummaging through the pile of food on the floor.

"What about chowder? Mom always used to make that for us," Al suggested.

"Great idea Al! What do we need for chowder?" Ed asked. Envy began rummaging through the food pile, pulling out necessary items.

"Clams...potatoes...chicory...and we need some milk," Envy said innocently with an evil gleam in his eyes, holding the necessary items.

"Never mind then!" Ed exclaimed, growling. Then he realized something. "Eewwww! Mom knew I hated milk and she still fed us chowder!"

"Yeah, Ed. She put milk in a lot of things! Most of the soups had milk in them, all the cakes had milk in them, and the ice cream..." Al explained.

"AARRRRGGGHHHHH!" Ed howled. Envy dropped the items he had collected.

"Well then, I guess we'll have to make something else, brother. Honestly, what could it hurt for you to just drink milk?" Envy asked. Ed glared. Envy shrugged. Al sighed. Ed continued to glare. Envy turned back to the pile of food.

"What about some roasted quail?" Envy asked.

"What's that?" Al asked.

"It's like a _short, tiny, petite_ _little_ chicken," Envy informed him.

"I SAID NOT TO CALL ME SHORT! And don't call me tiny! Or petite! Or Mini-Me! Or microscopic!" Ed screamed. Envy chose to ignore him.

"We could make casserole?" Al suggested.

"Nah, that has milk in it too," Envy replied.

"DEATH!" Ed screamed.

At that point in time, a large BANG was heard.

This was the type of bang that could only be created from a large, hard object colliding with a wooden wall.

"ENVY YOU BASTARD!" came a roar from the general direction of the loud bang.

This type of sound also could only be made by a large, hard, human-shaped object.

Greed, in his ultimate shield form, stomped into the kitchen.

"Oh, hello Greed! What brings you to my younger brothers' lovely home?" Envy asked, a big smile on his face.

"You know damn well what brings me here, you food-nabbing transvestite!" Greed replied.

Ed and Al just kinda...sidled away.

"Awww, but I told you it was for a good cause! I'm teaching my dear younger brothers to cook!" Envy retorted.

"I don't CARE what you're doing with it! Just give it back!" Greed demanded.

"Hmmm...no. But you're welcome to join us for dinner, Greed-kun!" Envy invited. Greed was ready with another insult, but stopped in his tracks.

"Whatcha cooking?" he asked. Envy shrugged.

"Every time someone suggests something, that little shrimp-"

"DON'T CALL ME A SHRIMP!"

"-decides there's something wrong with it," Envy finished.

"Well, why don't you make some spaghetti?" Greed suggested. The entire room got quiet.

"You know...that DOES sound good," Ed finally said.

"Makes me wish I had a stomach..." Al sighed.

"It's settled then! We'll make spaghetti!" Envy exclaimed, clapping his gloved hands together.

And so, the three Elric brothers and Greed sat down for a meal of spaghetti and meatballs, and had a merry old time. Until Greed started hitting on Envy. Envy shoved his face into his plate of spaghetti and ran away screaming. Ed ate obliviously, Al wallowed in self-pity, and Greed...

"GET BACK HERE YOU TRANSVESTITE FREAK!" Greed shouted, wiping spaghetti off of his face as he tore off into the night after the green-haired fruitcake.

And all was well...until NEXT TIME. Dun dun duuuunnn!

**End of Chapter One**

I warned you didn't I! DIDN'T I?


	2. Driving Roy Crazy

**New World, Same Idiots**

**By Artikgato**

Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist is not mine. The creator would probably be scared at what I do with the characters.

Author's Notes: The FMA characters, with the exact same personalities, fashion sense, bodies, and powers. They're just kinda in the "real world" now. In other words, the 21st century. Hee hee heeeeeeeeee.

Oh yeah, and as usual, any yaoi/shonen-ai in this fic, even if it's just implied, is purely for fun. I may or may not support the couples.

Oh yes, and beware out-of-characterness. Especially with Envy. It's not that it's difficult to write in-character Envy, it's just so much more fun to have him OOC. Besides, he's such a lunatic that he might actually act like this, to confuse/piss off people. And stuff.

Once again, I'd like to think my partner in crime, Kat, for this. The original concept was of Envy teaching Ed to drive, but I just couldn't pass up the chance to include Roy and Hawkeye in all this…

**Chapter Two: Driving Roy Crazy**

It was a perfectly normal day at Central HQ. So perfect was the normalness, that Roy Mustang just simply had to reflect upon it to his dear lieutenant.

"Hawkeye, isn't this day so perfectly normal?" Roy asked.

"Whatever you say, Sir," Hawkeye replied, raising an eyebrow in skepticism.

At that point, a certain blonde-haired, automail-bearing state alchemist decided to shatter the perfect wonderful normalness by entering the room.

"Mustang!" Ed exclaimed, stalking up to the desk behind which the Flame Alchemist, supreme master of Coolness, sat.

"Oh hello there, Ed. What brings you here today?" Roy asked, sipping some coffee.

"I...need a favor," Ed asked. Roy was intrigued. What sort of 'favor' was it that this adorable little Fullmetal Alchemist would be asking him for?

"Even though it goes against my better judgements...go on," the colonel replied.

"I...need you to teach me how to drive," Ed requested, glaring down at the desk in shame.

"Oho! That's right, you ARE the age to be learning to drive, aren't you? Too bad you aren't the right HEIGHT," Roy replied.

Ed twitched.

"DON'T CALL ME-" he started, with veins popping out of his forehead, but Roy held up a hand.

"I will teach you to drive, by my one condition is that you cannot injure me or my vehicle in any way, shape or form...and also, you have to let me call you 'shorty', 'shrimp', and 'chibi' in public with no complaints. Deal?" Roy asked. Ed continued to twitch, but finally relented.

"Fine," Ed grumbled. Roy smiled widely.

"It's settled then! Get your little brother and meet me in the parking lot in ten minutes!" Roy commanded.

"Why do you want me to get Al?" Ed asked.

"Because I'd like to kill two birds with one stone," Roy replied. _And because it's more fun that way,_ he added silently. Ed shrugged and walked out of the room. Mustang began rummaging around his table, pulling out a set of keys, a first-aid kit, and many other things. Hawkeye approached him.

"Um, colonel?" she asked.

"Yes, Hawkeye? What is it?" he asked, fishing around in a drawer for some batteries.

"This seems like something awfully dangerous...so I would like to go with you," she finished. Roy looked up at her, confused.

"Why would you want to come WITH us?" the flame alchemist asked.

"Because I am a better driver than you, for one thing," she answered him, flatly. He died a little inside, but maintained a straight face.

"Okay then," he agreed. He picked up the many objects he had gotten out of his desk, picked up the set of keys, and walked out of the room, with Hawkeye in toe.

They arrived at the parking lot a few minutes later, and Roy walked up to a shiny, sparkly, blue Mustang. Hawkeye sweatdropped.

"So you...drive a Mustang?" she asked.

"A blue one!" Roy answered, cheerfully as he unlocked the car and put down the convertible top, so that Al could actually sit in it.

A few minutes later, the Elric boys arrived.

"You drive a Mustang?" they both asked at the same time, staring at him incredulously.

"Why is that such a hard concept to grasp? Yes, yes, okay!" Roy demanded, shoving Ed into the driver's seat and Al into the back seat. He took his place in the front passenger seat, and Hawkeye climbed into the back with Al.

"Okay now Ed," Roy started, in a 'parental' tone, "You take the keys and put them into that slot right there -it's called the ignition- and you start the c-"

"I KNOW HOW TO START THE STUPID CAR!" Ed shrieked, and proved his point by starting the Mustang up. Immediately, the radio turned on and began blaring polka music into the surrounding area. Roy frantically turned the radio off, blush gathering on his cheeks.

"Er...damn radio stations, always changing all the time! That used to be a ROCK station, I PROMISE," he covered. Nobody believed him, but nobody said a thing when he threatened to blow them all up.

Ed shifted the car into reverse and started backing out of the parking spot.

"Hey shorty, you look like you know what you're doing! Why do you need me to teach you?" Roy asked.

"Well...the thing is, I-" Ed started, but was cut off at the sound of a very loud CRUNCH.

"You...hit Armstrong's car," Hawkeye said, surprised. Ed quickly shifted the car into drive and got away from Armstrong's car, only to not pay attention to where he was going and hit another car.

"And you hit King Bradley's car!" Hawkeye added. Roy was practically boiling with rage, but Ed was too panicked to notice.

"Argh! See, this is why I needed you to TEACH me!" Ed screamed at Roy.

"Oh THAT'S IT you little BRAT!" Roy exclaimed, raising one gloved hand and getting ready to snap...literally and metaphorically.

"Wait colonel! You'll blow us up too! AND your car!" Hawkeye exclaimed. Roy sighed and sat back down.

Ed jumped out of the car and ran to Armstrong's car...or rather, HUMMER, and quickly used alchemy to make it as good as new.

"Well, that's handy," Hawkeye said.

"Big brother, you really shouldn't be using alchemy to-" Al started, but Ed zoomed past him, slapping his hands together to fix the Fuhrer's car.

"It's for a good cause! Namely, THEM NOT KILLING ME!" Ed exclaimed as he started on Roy's Mustang.

"But..." Al trailed off, sighing. Ed calmly got back into the driver's seat and shifted the car back into drive. With Roy's guidance, he got out of the Central HQ parking lot without causing any more collateral damage.

They also made it all the way through downtown Central and onto the Freeway without causing any collateral damage.

"Um, Ed, the speed limit is 65," Al said.

"So?" Ed asked, punching the gas a little more.

"YOU'RE DOING NINETY! SLOW DOWN YOU SHRIMP!" Roy yelled, and Ed begrudgingly obliged. As the car slowed down, another pulled up beside them...a dark green convertible, in fact. And in the driver's seat was...

"Hi there little brother! I didn't know you could drive!" Envy exclaimed, waving at the four bewildered passengers of Roy's Mustang as he sped by, laughing maniacally. Ed glared, and punched the gas, speeding up to catch up the insane homunculus.

"Ed, what are you doing? Slow down!" Roy admonished. Ed was grinning somewhat insanely.

"I'll run that jackass off of the road!" he cackled, speeding up even more to catch up to Envy.

"Ed, SLOW DOWN!" Roy commanded.

"NO!" Ed shrieked.

"Ed, please slow down!" Al pleaded, in fear for his life...well, not really. If they crashed HE would live, but they all would die. Probably. If they didn't kill eachother first.

"Slow down you little shrimp!" Roy exclaimed, trying to grab the wheel. Ed growled and attempted to bite him, and he backed off. Unfortunately, the act of trying to bite Mustang cause the speeding blue Mustang to veer crazily all over the road.

"SLOW DOWN YOU IDIOT!" Hawkeye shouted, pulling out her gun and standing up in the back of the crazily veering Mustang. Ed cackled maniacally and rammed the back of Envy's car with the front of Mustang's Mustang, causing the homunculus's car to run off the road. Hawkeye couldn't take any more, and she shot at Ed, the bullet missing him and instead going into the engine, severing a few important wires, and imbedding itself in the road. With a few key wires and stuff severed, the car shut down completely and eventually came to a complete, tranquil stop.

"Oh...colonel, I'm sorry," Hawkeye apologized, a hand over her mouth.

"Hawkeye..." Roy muttered. She jumped.

"Y-yes?" she asked.

"Take Al and run," he commanded.

"But why, sir?" she inquired.

"Just do it," he said. She shrugged by took Al's huge arm and proceeded to drag him away from the now very very dead car.

"What's this all about? I'll fix the stupid car if you want me to!" Ed exclaimed. Roy just smiled evilly, and began to cackle. Ed got a bad feeling about all this, but reacted too late to do anything.

"It's about THIS you little dwarf!" Mustang exclaimed, jumping out of the car and snapping his fingers simultaneously. The car, and Ed, burst into flames, and Ed was thrown quite a distance away from the car to land in a flaming ball of wreckage.

"Ed!" Al exclaimed, running over to his brother. Roy dusted off his military uniform and went to stand next to Hawkeye.

"That's why I didn't want you to come along," he said. Hawkeye just raised an eyebrow at him.

**Meanwhile, with Envy**

"Hey baby, can I get a ride?" Greed asked, waggling his eyebrows suggestively. Envy smacked his forehead with one gloved hand.

"Call me baby again and I'll kill you, you sadistic freak," Envy growled in reply.

"What should I call you then? Sweet cheeks? Sugar muffin? Sweet Transvestite?" Greed asked, enjoying every annoyed twitch he got out of Envy.

"I'm beginning to hate you as much as Hoenheim," Envy deadpanned.

**End of Chapter Two**

Hmm...well, Envy's in character here, and Greed ISN'T. XD


	3. Envy's Day Off

**New World, Same Idiots**

**By Artikgato**

Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist is not mine. The creator would probably be scared at what I do with the characters.

Author's Notes: The FMA characters still have all of their normal bodies, powers, personalities, etc, but are in the 'modern' world.

Sorry this took so long to post…but I'm lazy. I kind of wanted a _bit_ more than ten reviews, but as long as I'm bringing some twisted form of joy into the lives of the people, I care not for reviews.

Beware of LOTS of out-of-characterness in this chapter, for at least six of the seven Sins. Ed and Al seem to be the only characters I can consistently keep in character...

And, as always, implied yaoi/shounen-ai is purely for fun. There's more implied Greed/Envy in this chapter, but not very much.

Again, my partner in crime, Kat, is responsible for this. She kept making Ed-like comments while we were running around the mall, and this sprang up out of the weird conversations we got into. This was actually the _first_ scenario we thought of, but I thought the others were funnier in concept and wrote them first. Anyway, enough of my babbling! Here's the chapter, enjoy, and please review! Reviews are my anti-drug. Well, reviews and funny cosplay poses...

**Chapter Three: Envy's Day Off**

It didn't happen very often. It seemed to Envy that his work was never done. Killing and manipulating people and being a sadistic bastard was a full-time job, you know.

But today was Envy's first day off in a very long time, and he was going to enjoy it.

When Dante had first told him that he was going to have a day off, he began making a list of what he wanted to do on his day off. It looked a little bit something like this:

1. Kill Hoenheim

2. Dance upon his grave.

3. Quality time with little brothers

4. Kill Dante

5. Dance upon HER grave

6. Run away from Greed

It was kind of ironic that even on his day off, all he wanted to do was kill people. And dance upon their graves.

"Hmmm..." Envy hmmed, looking at his list. This just would not do. As much as he would love killing Hoenheim AND Dante in the very same day AND dancing on their graves, that was just way too much work, and Envy wanted to have a relaxing, fun day off.

With a sigh, he crossed off numbers 1, 2, 4 and 5. That left two things: quality time with his little brothers, and running away from Greed. It goes without saying that if he saw Greed, he would definitely run away from him, so that was really a very pointless entry on his quite small list of stuff to do.

So, that left number three: quality time with his little brothers.

An evil cackle could be heard as Envy leapt from his perch in a tree and bounced off in the direction of his little brothers' apartment provided by the military.

**Meanwhile, with the brothers Elric**

Knock, knock, knock.

"Who is it?" Al asked as he opened the door. He was immediately knocked down by an over-exuberant tackle-bear-hug from a (thankfully) fully clothed Alex Louis Armstrong.

"It is so good to see you, Alphonse! Where is Edward?" Armstrong asked, as he stood up, helping the massive suit of armor to his feet.

"Umm...brother's in the living room, watching TV..." Al trailed off, as Armstrong bounded into the living room and pounced on the unsuspecting Edward.

At that point, Envy decided to walk in the door.

"Oh hello little little brother!" he exclaimed, beaming at the huge suit of armor.

"Uh, hi Envy..." Al replied, sweatdropping.

"ENVY!" shrieked two voices from the living room, one sounding decidedly more choking-to-death than the other.

Ed came barreling into the kitchen at top speed.

"ENVY! Ya gotta help me! Get me away from him!" the blonde exclaimed, pointing back at Armstrong.

"Oh, really? You want my HELP do you!" Envy asked, EVIL flashing into his eyes. Ed 'urk' ed.

"Uhm..." Ed said, looking back at Armstrong, who grinned and flexed. He shuddered and looked back at Envy, who was grinning maniacally.

"Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place...umm, gee Armstrong, I'd love to stick around and chat, but me and Al've gotta go and spend some...quality time... with our older brother here! See ya!" and with that, the Fullmetal Alchemist was gone, dragging along Envy and Al as he ran for the hills.

Unfortunately, those hills were quite a distance away, and he got tired after a little while.

Ed stopped running conveniently in front of a mall. This mall was remarkably mall-like, with very mall-ey features.

Envy jumped up and down excitedly like a schoolgirl on crack. "Let's go shopping, you two! You need new clothes Ed, and Al...you...umm...need a new loincloth!"

Al sniffed. "But I LIKE this loincloth..." he trailed off sadly.

"It's old, and besides, purple is a bad color on you! It's settled then, let's go to the MALL!" Envy exclaimed.

"Hey! Wait a minute!" Ed protested as he and Al were dragged off toward the mall-ish mall by the insane homunculus.

Even though this mall was remarkably mall-like, the instant the three of them entered, they got a very, very bad feeling about this...

...which was quickly put to death by Envy, who ran off, squealing and dragging the two brothers, towards a clothing store.

**A Few Minutes Later**

"NO!" Ed protested.

"But Ed, it looks so good on you! It's really your color!" Envy countered.

"No means NO dammit!" Ed replied, crossing his arms and looking away from the monstrosity that Envy was trying to hand him.

"But you'd be so CUTE!" Envy tried again. Ed glared.

"I don't even like milk. Why in the world would I want to put on a GIANT COW SUIT!" Ed demanded.

"Well, you could try the horse suit! Or the bunny rabbit suit!" Envy suggested.

"NO! I thought you wanted to get us new clothes!" Ed exclaimed.

"I do!" Envy replied.

"There's nothing practical about a COW SUIT! I like my clothes JUST FINE thank you!" Ed shouted, and stormed out of the store.

"Wait, little brother!" Envy called and chased after them. A few seconds later, Al ran in, carrying an armful of loincloths.

"Hey, big brother, Envy! Which color do you think looks better on me! Ummm...guys?" he asked, looking around to notice they are gone.

Ed, realizing that Envy was following him, ran as fast as he could towards the food court. Besides...he wanted a scone. Mmmm, yummy.

However, when both Ed and Envy arrived there, they stopped in shock at the sight before them.

"Gluttony, you're not supposed to eat the _tables_, you know," commented Lust, who was sitting on one of the few remaining tables, sipping a strawberry milkshake.

"But Lust! They're GOOD!" Gluttony whined.

"What should we do?" Ed whispered loudly at Envy.

"Just back away slowly...they might not see us," Envy replied. They backed away and once they were a suitable distance, they ran away for their lives.

They came to rest on a bench, near a merry-go-round.

"It doesn't look like they followed us," Ed said.

"Good. I'd prefer not to get involved in...that," Envy replied.

"Why are they HERE, I wonder?" Ed asked. Before Envy could reply to that, a loud, shrill, and strangely familiar cry of "WHEEEE!" interrupted them.

They turned to see the merry-go-round was currently working, and an overly enthusiastic Wrath was sitting on one of the wooden ponies, having the time of his life. A half-bored looking Sloth sat on one of the horses behind him. She smiled and waved at Envy and Ed, as they stared at the two, bewildered.

"Let's just...run away," Ed said.

"Right," Envy agreed, and they took off in another direction.

**Meanwhile, with Al...**

Al walked out of the clothing store, a fresh new blue loincloth in the place of his old one.

"Where should I go next? I should try to look for big brother and Envy, shouldn't I?" he asked. He looked around, and spotted his one weakness: kittens. There was a literal mob of kittens in the window of a nearby pet store. Forgetting completely about his two older brothers, he dashed off into the pet store to cuddle the kittens.

**Back with Envy and Ed...**

"Why in the world are all these Homunculi running around this mall?" Ed asked.

"I have no idea! Curse them, they all got today off too didn't they! This was supposed to be MY DAY OFF! MIIINNNNEEEEEE!" Envy screamed.

"Are you okay?" Ed asked. Envy panted.

"I will be. Let's just...I don't know...go somewhere where no sane Homunculus would go," Envy said. Ed pointed at a bright pink door frame with rainbows and sparkles.

"How about the toy store?" he suggested.

"I like the way you think, little brother!" Envy exclaimed, and with that he linked arms with a less-than-enthusiastic Ed and skipped (dragging Ed) into the toy store.

Unfortunately, luck just was not on their side today.

As they rounded the corner to another isle, the "Sanrio" isle, they came nearly face-to-face-to-face with the one and only Fuhrer Bradley, aka Pride.

"F-f-fuhrer Bradley!" Ed stuttered.

"Pride!" Envy demanded.

"Oh hello boys! What brings you here to this toy store?" he asked, his arms full of bright pink, blindingly cute, Hello Kitty stationary pads. Ed merely squeaked in response, but Envy was not nearly as shocked as his younger brother was.

"I could ask the same of you Pride...or should I say Fuhrer?" Envy asked.

"Me? I'm buying stationary for all my subordinates!" the eyepatched man said, smiling broadly.

**Two days later, in Central...**

Roy Mustang's left eyebrow was twitching furiously as he beheld the 'gift' the Fuhrer had presented him. It was...pink. And more pink. And cutesy. He refused to even so much as touch this, let alone write his reports on it. The twitching stopped as he closed his eyes and calmly lit the stationary on fire with a snap of his fingers.

Nearby, Risa Hawkeye was having a very similar reaction to her own stationary, except she had chosen to put a bullet through it.

Maes Hughes, however, was having a reaction quite opposite to theirs.

"Isn't this so ADORABLE! Oh my gosh, I just have to give this to Elisa! Can I have yours? REALLY! Oh, yours too! And yours! You're all such generous people! My cute little daughter will be so HAPPY! Wanna see pictures of her and my wife? Huh? Huhuhuhuhuh?"

Armstrong's reaction, while along the same lines as Hughes's, wasn't quite as...severe.

"AWWWW! It's so CUTE!" he exclaimed, cuddling the stationary and cooing at it.

And, in the midst of all the chaos, there stood Fuhrer President King Bradley, laughing insanely as he continued to hand out the pink monstrosities.

**Back to the present, with Envy and Ed...**

"...right," they both said, and turned to walk away. Unfortunately, their escape did not go as planned.

"Wait you two! Want to ride the train with me?" Bradley asked, as he clamped a hand onto both boys' shoulders.

"Ummm...not really," Envy replied. Ed was still too busy squeaking to be coherent.

"Oh well! Suit yourselves!" Bradley exclaimed and released their shoulders, prancing off and sitting on one of the very small train cars.

"CHOOCHOO!" he shouted as the train moved forward at an agonizingly slow pace. Ed and Envy both sweatdropped.

"What is this, the mall of out-of-characterness?" Envy asked. Ed smacked himself on the forehead with his human hand.

"I can't believe that the Fuhrer is riding a kid's train..." Ed trailed off.

"CHOO CHOO!" Bradley screamed again. Ed and Envy just got out of the toy store as quickly and efficiently as possible.

"So, all the Homunculi but Greed are here," Ed said. Envy stiffened and glared at him.

"Shhh! You'll jinx it!" Envy exclaimed.

"Jinx what?" Ed asked, oblivious. Envy remained silent, looking around him, paranoid. When Greed didn't jump out of the shadows and try to tackle-glomp him, he sighed in relief.

"Nothing. Let's go find your tin can of a brother and get the hell out of here, shorty," Envy said. Ed fumed.

"I AM NOT THAT SHORT!" he protested. Envy bomped him on the head with a fist as they passed by a glass display case full of mannequins. Ed rubbed his head where Envy had bomped him, glaring at the Homunculus. A thought suddenly struck him.

"Hey Envy, does it feel like we're being watched?" he asked.

"Yes...yes it does," Envy replied, peering at the mannequins suspiciously. Hmm. There were seven in all, all badly dressed, most in horribly stiff poses, one was squished against the glass, grinning maniacally at Envy...wait...

"Greed!" Envy shrieked, as the other homunculus jumped out of the display window, shattering the glass.

"Hello Envy," Greed said, an evil grin on his face showing off his sharp teeth.

"Time for number six...it's been fun, Ed!" Envy said, and with that he ran away screaming, followed by Greed. Ed just sweatdropped.

"Ed! There you are!" came a voice from behind him. He turned around to see Al running up to him.

"Al! Where were you at?" Ed asked.

"Ummm...looking for you!" Al replied. Before anyone could say anything else, there was a quiet 'meow' from inside of Al's armor. Ed glared.

"You have a cat, don't you Al!" Ed accused.

"But they were so cute!" Al protested.

"They!" Ed exclaimed. Al opened his chest plate, to reveal five cute kittens inside.

"I'm sorry Ed, but I couldn't help it!" Al pleaded.

"You have to take them back," Ed said.

"But if we keep them, they can drink your milk for you!" Al said. Ed suddenly grinned.

"You don't say so?" he asked, and with that the two Elric brothers, and five kittens, left the mall of mallish-ness.

And somewhere in the distance, they heard a fading cry of "GET AWAY FROM ME YOU SICK FREAK!"

**End Chapter 3**

YES, it is the mall of OOCness. Mwuahaha.

No disrespect meant to Sanrio/Hello Kitty. While I hold firm belief that Hello Kitty is an agent of Satan, I know that others do not.


	4. Fullmetal On Ice

**New World, Same Idiots**

**By Artikgato**

Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist is not mine. The creator would probably be scared at what I do with the characters.

Author's Notes: As usual, the Fullmetal characters all have their original bodies, personalities, and powers. All I really did was abduct them, stick them in a time machine, transport them to the future where everything is more modern-day, and shove them into all sorts of ridiculous situations.

There is a reference to the manga in this one, though. It's a shame that they left it out of the anime, but on two (or more?) separate occasions, Fuhrer Bradley hands Ed a melon, after saying something ridiculous. Ed then accepts the melon uneasily, and then squawks something like "WHAT!" in response to the ridiculous thing. Go check out manga volumes three and seven (at least I think three is right. I KNOW seven is right) and see for yourself.

Oh, and there's implied Greed/Envy, Roy/Ed, Ed/Winry AND Roy/Hawkeye in this chapter. BwuahahahahahaHA! For humorous purposes only. Don't flame me because you hate the couples, and don't flame me if you LIKE the couples but hate the fact that I'm making fun of them. Well, kinda. Go beat Kat with a live fish for the yaoi if you _really _want to.

This was inspired by a real-life trip to an ice-skating rink. 'Twas fun! And, more importantly, it gave me the chance to include Izumi and her husband, Scar, and Hoenhiem! Yay! And now...

**Chapter Four: Fullmetal On Ice**

"Wasn't it nice of Colonel Mustang to give you the day off, big brother?" Al asked, as he, Ed and Winry walked down the main street of Central.

"Yeah, just _great_," Ed grumbled. Mustang was up to something, he just _knew_ it. That guy didn't do anything nice for _anybody_, save possibly for Lieutenant Hawkeye, without some ulterior motive.

Some wickedly evil ulterior motive, that would most likely lead to embarrassment on his part.

"And isn't it just such a wonderful coincidence that I happened to be visiting Central today, to check up on your automail?" Winry beamed at him. Ed rolled his eyes at her.

"So, what should we do for your day off, big brother?" Al asked, eyeing a nearby pet shop almost dreamily. Well, as dreamily as a giant suit of armor could look.

"We should go somewhere that Mustang would never, _ever_ go," Ed replied, and at that point, the trio just happened to pass by a convenient ice-skating rink. Ed grinned.

"Perfect," he said with a slight cackle, and with that he grabbed Al by the hand and Winry by the elbow, dragging the two of them into the ice-skating rink.

**Time Passes...**

"So, you want to go ice-skating?" Winry stated the obvious as a question. They were all currently lacing up their skates in the lobby. Well, actually, Winry and Ed were. Well, technically Ed was only lacing up _one_ skate. He'd used his awesome alchemic powers to not only turn the bottom of his automail foot into a super sharp blade (much to Winry's disdain), but also to give Al a pair of ice skates.

"I've never been before, so it might be fun!" Ed replied. "And, more importantly, that stupid Mustang would _never_ come to a place like this."

"Ah?" Winry asked. "What would be the point of that?"

"You weren't in any of the other chapters of this ridiculous story. Let's just say, staying away from Mustang is a _top priority_ for me right now. I'm actually surprised he didn't pop out of nowhere when I said that he would never come here," Ed replied. Out of sheer paranoia, he looked around, but much to his relief, he didn't see Mustang, or for that matter _anyone_ he knew.

"You're acting weird...well, weirder than normal. What did you mean by 'story'?" Winry asked. Ed just waved a hand at her dismissively.

"Never mind. I'm just messing with your mind," he returned, and stood up, having finished lacing up his one ice skate. He didn't look horribly strange, though, because his pants covered both his rented skate and his hand-made skate nicely.

"Are you ready to go, big brother?" Al asked, brimming with excitement.

"Wait on me, guys!" Winry protested, quickly finishing with her skates. She stood, and the three of them entered the skating rink.

When a horrible feeling didn't descend on Ed, and he didn't see any State Alchemists, Homunculi, or anyone else that might have popped in and ruined his escapade on the ice, he sighed in relief.

"C'mon, then. Let's get on the ice!" he exclaimed, grabbing Winry's hand and pulling her along with him. She blushed, but didn't protest. Al was already on the ice, wobbling around crazily but still upright.

"Look big brother! I think I have the hang of it!" he exclaimed, only attracting the attention of a _few_ random bystanders. Apparently, large skating suits of armor were _common_ in this day and age.

In any case, Ed grinned and stepped out onto the ice...

...only to promptly fall backwards. Winry had the sense to let go of his hand before she, too, splatted on the ice.

"Agh!" Ed exclaimed, grabbing the wall and pulling himself to his feet. "Damn ice is slicker than I thought it would be!" he exclaimed. Winry giggled and skated up to him, only wobbling a little bit.

"Don't worry, Ed. You'll get the hang of it!" she exclaimed. Ed rolled his eyes, and started making his way around the rink, clinging to the wall for dear life.

He'd almost forgotten about the fact that Mustang had just _given_ him the day off, no questions asked, after twenty minutes of skating. He was really starting to get the hang of this! It wasn't as hard as he thought it would be, and he'd only fallen three times after the first!

He glared over at Winry and Al, who were skating around the rink with giant grins on their faces, as if they'd been skating for their entire lives and not for a mere twenty minutes. Stupid Winry with her natural grace, and stupid Al with his surprisingly aerodynamic and perfectly balanced metal body!

Ed ground his teeth in frustration as he pushed off of the wall, determined to be able to skate without the assistance of the wall. And he would have been quite successful, if fate wasn't such a quirky thing with a horrible sense of humor. (Fate, the authoress, same difference!)

"You shouldn't grind your teeth, brother," came a distinctly...feminine voice from behind him. Ed jumped and managed, he still doesn't know how, to whip around. One of the random bystanders that had been skating around the rink like a pro was standing behind him, with a distinctly familiar grin.

"Envy?" Ed asked.

"Bingo!" the bystander exclaimed, in Envy's voice, before he transformed back into his 'normal', dark green-haired form.

"Aren't you cold?" Ed asked, with a raised eyebrow. Somehow, it didn't surprise him that Envy was here.

"Nope! Now, dear brother, I've noticed that you seem to be having a bit of trouble learning to skate. Want your big brother to teach you?" Envy asked, grinning evilly.

"No way! I'll learn on my own!" Ed refused with a huff, and turned to skate away.

Of course, he fell flat on his ass. Envy's giggling from behind him only served to reinforce the bloodlust that was bubbling up within him.

"ENVY!" he roared, jumping up and lunging at the Homunculus. Said Homunculus dodged to the side, and Ed went splatting into the wall gracelessly.

"Bleh!" Envy said, sticking his tongue out at Ed, before skating away. "Catch me if you can!"

And so, they were off. Envy was skating around gracefully, Ed was charging after him less than gracefully, but to his merit he didn't actually fall. He just ran headfirst into the wall a few times, and managed to knock over a total of seven people before he _finally_ caught up to Envy.

"I'll kill you, you fruitcake!" Ed screeched, clapping his hands together and using alchemy to turn his automail arm into his customary blade-o-stabbiness. He charged, throwing back his hand to stab Envy, who had conveniently stopped skating and turned to face him...

And again, he tripped. This time, though, he was leaning so far forward in order to stab Envy that he fell on his face and skidded across the ice. He came to a stop _right_ at the cackling Envy's feet.

"Oh Ed, you're hopeless," Envy said, skating off with a very girly giggle. Ed twitched, the flames of anger springing into his eyes.

"I'll give YOU hopeless, you sadistic TRANSVESTITE!" Ed yelled, clapping his hands together and pressing them against the ice. A chibi Ed-head sprang up out of the ice in front of Envy. Envy, of course, would have dodged it, if his attention wasn't currently distracted by something...else.

"Hello, Envy..." Greed said, grinning as he was pressed against the clear plastic wall Envy was currently skating by.

"Greed!" Envy shrieked in horror, and as he was paying more attention to the Homunculus of his nightmares and not to where he was skating, he plowed right into the Ed-head and fell over it, shrieking in fear _and _fury. Ed laughed, but it was short-lived as he realized that Greed was in the rink.

"Oh no! If Greed's here, then-" Ed's exclamation of terror was cut off by a shrill "WHEE!"

Dreading what he would see, Ed turned his head to look at the rest of the rink. There was Wrath, one hand being held by none other than a beaming Izumi Curtis, and the other being all but engulfed by a scowling (but I'm sure he _meant_ to be beaming) Sig Curtis. In front of the...unique...trio was Sloth, who was skating _backwards_ on what appeared to be literal _ice_ skates, camcorder in hand as she filmed the...lovely scene for the three of them. Ed started backing away from his teacher involuntarily, but stopped himself when he realized that she wasn't going to be murdering him any time soon with Wrath around to distract her.

With that somehow _comforting_ thought, Ed continued to look around the rink. He had to do a double-take at what he saw next. There was Scar, clinging to the wall for dear life, legs wobbling around dangerously. Lust was skating in circles next to him, grinning almost mockingly.

"Aww, c'mon Scar! It's easy! Do you want me to hold your hand?" Lust asked, playfully.

"NO!" Scar barked, and she pouted. A tumbling Gluttony went sliding past them.

"Lust! Help me!" he shrieked at her, but she ignored him as he went crashing into a wall.

"Well...at least only the Homunculi are here...kind of. If I sneak away now, I might-" Ed started, but his externally internal monologue was interrupted by a cry from behind him, one that he would have liked to go without hearing.

"Lookie, Elicia! It's your big brother Ed!" Hughes exclaimed. Hughes, Ed noted, seemed to be having a bit of difficulty in skating, as he was all but doubled over to hold his tiny daughter's hand as the pair skated up to him.

"Did you fall, big brother?" Elicia asked, concerned. Hughes _squealed_.

"Oh Elicia, you're so ADORABLE! Isn't she cute, Edward!" the older man demanded, as he picked her up and glomped her. Unfortunately, the act of picking her up caused him to lose his balance and fall down right beside Edward.

"Aww, daddy, you fell again!" Elicia exclaimed. Ed decided to use this distraction to his advantage and sneak away, toward one of the exits off of the ice.

"Fullmetal!" he heard from behind him, and nearly fell as he jumped. He turned, with quite some dread, to see Roy Mustang and Risa Hawkeye skating up to him from behind.

"Imagine, seeing you _here_ of all places!" Roy exclaimed. Ed glared.

"Why are YOU here!" Ed demanded. Roy shrugged.

"Hawkeye and I come here all the time on our days off," Roy announced, and Ed twitched.

"But you only gave _me_ the day off!" Ed protested.

"No, no, I never said that. This _is_ a military holiday, you know, so we _all_ have it off," Roy explained, patronizingly.

"Wait, military holiday? What military holiday?" Ed asked, dreading the answer.

"You're telling me you don't know that today is the Fuhrer's birthday, Edward?" Hawkeye asked, astonished. Before Ed could reply, a laughing Fuhrer Bradley skated up to the three of them.

"Yes, I'll be turning sixty today! I'm getting old!" the Fuhrer exclaimed, laughing again. Ed, Roy and Hawkeye laughed uneasily, even as a giant pink banner saying "HAPPY SIXTIETH BIRTHDAY, FUHRER PRESIDENT KING BRADLEY!" was unfurled over the scoreboard by some of the more random and nameless members of the military.

"I'm glad you could all make it! I'm happy to be celebrating my birthday with some of my closest friends, colleagues, and subordinates," the Fuhrer continued. He then turned to Ed, and handed him a melon. "Do you like melons?"

"Umm...thanks," Ed replied, awkwardly as he took the melon. "Wait, 'closest friends, colleagues and subordinates'? Why are the _Homunculi_ here, then!" Ed squawked. The Fuhrer winked, but it was with the eye under the eyepatch, so nobody noticed.

"Are you forgetting that I, too, am a Homunculus?" Fuhrer Bradley replied.

"I sure haven't," Roy muttered, glaring murderously at the king of the military. Bradley just laughed. His skull was safe and sound tucked away at home, and all of the military _and_ all the rest of the Homunculi were all here. Bradley knew that Roy wasn't stupid enough to try to assassinate him _here_.

"Well then! I'm going to go enjoy my birthday cake! Care to join me?" Bradley offered.

"Umm...no thanks," Ed replied.

"I'd love to, but I have...other matters to attend to," Hawkeye politely refused.

"Yes, so do I...shall we, Hawkeye?" Roy added, grabbing her arm and skating away furiously. Ed just skated away with a fake smile plastered on his face, trying his best not to trip in front of the president of the military.

"Well...this couldn't possibly get _any_ worse, could it?" Ed asked himself, looking around the skating rink in dismay. Sloth, Wrath, Izumi and her husband were skill skating around happily. Al and Winry were also skating around happily, and Winry was now skating around with Elicia as a beaming Hughes struggled along behind them. The Fuhrer was eating cake with some of the random nameless state alchemists. Gluttony had heard the word 'cake' and was struggling to make his way over to the banquet area. Lust was still teasing a still struggling Scar. Envy was skating away from Greed at breakneck speeds, the former darting all over the place in terror and the latter shouting lewd remarks at the long-haired Homunculus.

"Everyone, look at me! I am demonstrating an ice-skating technique that has been passed down through the Armstrong family for generations!" exclaimed the shirtless colonel Armstrong as he passed by Ed on one skate with his other leg thrown behind him, frozen in a 'mighty flex' position.

"SHUT UP, ARMSTRONG!" Everyone exclaimed. Ed just put his head in his hands. This was _not_ happening. This was all just a bad dream!

Envy's screams of terror suddenly became screams of rage, and Ed looked up curiously. There, on the other side of the rink, was a frightened looking blonde-haired father of his.

"HOENHEIM!" he screamed in rage and darting off across the rink (and miraculously managing not to fall). Envy shrieked in rage, Greed all but forgotten in favor of the brutal murder of his father.

"EEP!" Hoenheim exclaimed, skating away from one murderous son right into the path of the other.

"Hello, father!" Ed exclaimed, lunging at Hoenheim with his arm-blade held high.

"Agghah!" Hoenheim exclaimed, and barely managed to dodge Ed as he sped toward, and past, him. Envy caught up to him, and Hoenheim led him on a frantic chase around the rink. Ed managed to stop himself...on a wall. As Hoenheim jumped out of the rink at the nearest exit and ran for the hills, Greed skated up to Ed, who was twitching on the ice.

"Need a hand up, half-pint?" he asked, laughing.

"DON'T CALL ME A HALF-PINT! DON'T CALL ME SHORTY! OR MIDGET! OR 'HEIGHT CHALLENGED'!" Ed roared. Greed just chuckled, and picked the alchemist up by the back of his jacket. Ed glared at him, begrudgingly.

"Why do you always chase Envy around anyways?" Ed asked, mildly curious. Greed grinned.

"Because it's so damn funny!" the Homunculus exclaimed, and then skated away to renew the chase for Envy. Ed sweatdropped.

"Ed!" Al exclaimed as he, Winry, Elicia, and eventually Hughes skated up to him.

"Oh, hey guys!" Ed exclaimed, smiling.

"Looks like you're finally getting the hang of this!" Winry said. Ed just nodded.

"Yeah, I saw you chasing down dad. You were great! I didn't know you could skate that fast without falling!" Al praised. At that point, Roy and Hawkeye passed by them.

"Yes, Fullmetal, it seems that your ice-skating skills are finally growing up! Too bad that's the only thing!" Roy teased, chuckling cruelly. Ed twitched, and took off after him.

"Ed!" Al exclaimed, but went unheard. Ed zoomed past Roy and Hawkeye, slowing down once he was past them.

"Gee, Colonel, it's a pretty sad state of affairs when you have to hit on underage boys! Could it be you've finally realized that Lieutenant Hawkeye is too good for the likes of _you_?" Ed insulted, cackling evilly and darting away. Roy twitched, raising one gloved hand into the air. Hawkeye, who was blushing (though very faintly), looked on in alarm.

"Colonel!" she exclaimed, and dropped down on her skates to kick his feet out from under him, thus preventing him from snapping his fingers and melting the entire ice-skating rink. She, for one, was having a good time, and wanted to _continue_ to.

As a result, Roy went skidding across the ice on his face, frantically trying to stop himself any way possible. Ed circled around to point and laugh at the older alchemist, who was up and on his skates nearly the instant he stopped skidding.

"Fullmetal RUNT!" he exclaimed. Ed twitched.

"Child molester!" Ed returned. Everyone on the rink had stopped to watch the fight in fierce anticipation. Ed and Roy skated to a stop on opposite sides of the rink.

"How dare you damage my good name like that with your slander, you little shrimp!" Roy fumed.

"Don't call me a shrimp, you flaming homo!" Ed returned. With that, Roy raised his hand and got ready to snap. Ed dropped to the ground, clapping his hands together and pressing them against the ice. The ice around Roy began to rise up around him, trapping him in a 'bubble' of ice. The ice simply exploded, a wet Flame Alchemist skating away from the brand new puddle on the floor. Ed repeated, and a series of spikes shot out of the ice, Roy darting around them and blowing up the ones he couldn't dodge.

Before any more carnage could commence, the manager of the rink ran out onto the ice, blowing a whistle.

"Stop! Stop blowing up my rink, you damn alchemists! Get out! OUT!" the manager bellowed. Ed and Roy sweatdropped.

"Er, sorry?" Ed apologized, even as he was heading for the exit to the rink.

"He started it!" Roy protested, but nevertheless he too was heading for the exit.

"Nice going, colonel. Now we're probably banned from coming here," Hawkeye berated, as he passed her. He whimpered forlornly.

"Do you think we're banned from here now, big brother?" Al asked, in a voice that suggested that, were he a human and not a giant suit of armor currently, he would have had giant, tear-filled eyes. Ed sweatdropped.

"Probably..." Winry sighed.

"Can we stay?" the Fuhrer called from the sidelines.

"No...your friend there is eating the table. I must ask you to leave as well," the manager said, exasperated. The Fuhrer, his nameless state alchemists, Lust, Scar, Sloth, Wrath, Izumi, Sig, and Armstrong all shot Gluttony dirty looks. Gluttony just burped.

"Can I eat him?" he asked, pointing to the now horrified manager.

"Go ahead. Don't leave an eyelash," the Fuhrer said, with an approving pat on Gluttony's bald head.

And, with help from Sloth and the present alchemists, the rink was fixed and everyone was able to enjoy it for the rest of the day, even Roy and Ed, who were forced to form a truce for the rest of the day by everyone present.

And everybody was happy! Yay!

**End Chapter Four**

Seriously, don't expect a chapter five. Ever. I might get a random weird idea from watching Fullmetal, or cosplaying, but I seriously doubt it. This is the end, people. On that note, thanks to all my readers and reviewers!


End file.
